xtheressanicole

• 2011-12-31

  On a New Year –2012.

  People always make promises and resolutions, especially throughout the month of December. January 1^st marks a new year, literally, if you’re following time based on the constructs humans have created for themselves to feel more accomplished, more balanced, more scheduled and regimented. You can count on the numbers of the day to change… 1, 2, 3. You can count on a new year to roll around time and again. You can also count on that “magic” in the air during the holidays and right before January 1^st –that heightened awareness and hope that you can make a grand change. You can love more –your family and friends, your body, mind and soul. It’s truly magical, that is, if you choose to buy into it for that short while. If you’re one of the others, like me, and you’re a skeptic to the bone… you might feel like everyone has been brainwashed for a few weeks and by January 1^st are incredibly thankful to have shaken the crazies. By February, most people fall back into old habits. But maybe not you, not this year.

  The fact of the matter is that every day you wake up, you’re granted a chance for that grand change. There’s hope for the future simply because your eyes opened again and you’re breathing. The best resolution you can give yourself is to live every day like it’s a “new year.” Own the mentality of counting on yourself, rather than a new year. Spread the love, be aware of yourself and the people around you and discover new things. And fuck losing 10 pounds. Get enlightened, people. That’s my resolution.

  The only thing I think New Years is good for, is reflection. We should all take advantage of that. Where were you a year ago? I was on the East Coast in a terrible snow storm, exploring new cities and making new friends. Discovering snow, really, for the very first time in my life. (I can’t handle it, by the way). And that was all before I took a giant leap to spend a few months in a foreign country by myself. Because I could. What happened in 2011? For me, the first 6 months were amazing and life changing in a positive way, but the end of the year introduced a kind of sadness in my life that I had yet to experience. The pain is heavy and something I will carry for the rest of my life, but I look forward to the enlightenment of 2012, which is really all I can do.

  If you take anything away from this silly little blog post… it’s to reflect. Reflect on the good and the bad. Reflect on the tears. Remember your happiness and your pain and move forward. Some of us had harder years than others. Remember that too. Tomorrow really is a new year, but every day of 2012 holds that potential.

• 2011-09-07

  On Going on a Personal Hiatus.

  Sometimes we all need a break –a time to look about our lives and reflect upon the choices we’ve made that have lead us where we are now. Where are you now? Have you taken a good, long pause to ask yourself that lately? Ever?

  Meditating and self-reflection are two very important tasks that are so simple, and yet so not easy. But, that doesn’t mean they are to be avoided. In fact, opportunities to self-reflect should be welcomed with open arms or a sword and shield depending upon the issue. If you’re in tune enough with your self, your emotions and energies, everyone benefits –firstly you, and most definitely the people around you.

  I think that the least the people that claim to love you can do is support you if you do decide to better yourself. We could all use a little more understanding and patience from others, that’s for sure. Sometimes it takes a couple of pushes (or kicks!) and a few of those little sticky note reminders smashed on our foreheads to grab our attention (or maybe a regular old blog that perhaps calls out to us). This is me reminding you to support the people you love. It’s contagious. Action moves other men to action.

  If said hiatus is properly received, you will come out a better man or woman than before you stepped back from your life, from your family and friends, and said or did the hard things you’ve been meaning to do for…only your mind knows how long. You’re the only person that knows when you aren’t giving your all, when you aren’t giving 100%. If your heart knows that now, this is your call to action. Do something about it. And if your friends, family, girlfriends or boyfriends, husbands or wives need space…give it to them, people. Take what you need, give what you can. It’s a balance, people and we can all do this.

  I haven’t updated this seemingly absurd blog for the past month because I was in a figurative place where I was allowing myself to build up walls and lock myself in a room, with no windows, no doors. I think and hope and feel that I am no longer in that place, actually excited to write and share my thoughts…and not call my blog absurd. My writing is… me and without it I feel alone and empty. Progressing back to a place to do the things you know you’re meant to do it inspiring.

   My point is that there is nothing wrong with a hiatus, so long as you are continuing to move forward with your life. So long as you are learning and growing, and becoming a better version of yourself in order to love the people around you in the hardest, most passionate and real way possible. So as long as you are doing you. Be true.

  I’ll leave you with this quote, that inspired me tonight to move forward with this “personal hiatus” as I’m very much enjoying calling it right now: 

  “Thus began a break of undetermined length and meaning.” -Jacob Slichter

  t

  Ps. I should give ample credit to a close friend with whom I’ve been having those long, deep conversations with. Some phrases and wording in this entry may have been heavily influenced by said conversations and by his knowledge, wisdom, experiences and advice —although the blog in its entirety is an original thought blub by me.

• 2011-07-12

  On Saying Too Much…

  I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older, that adults bite their tongues –and a lot too. Of course not all adults, I’m talking about the elite, mature, distinguished, stable…call them what you will. The “adults” that don’t feel a need to open their mouths about certain petty issues. As a teenager, I would say things to my parents that were wholly uncalled for, simply ridiculous, rude, crude and I’m sure at times ungrateful. Looking back, I realize all of these things. All the times I told my parents, “You don’t understand me!”…they did. My parents suffered through awkward teenage years, just like me and just like you. It takes a different perspective to realize that though. Just like it takes a little perspective change to realize a lot of things (more on that later though).  I’m not sure when I knew I was wrong and they were right, but reflecting upon it at twentysomething years old is definitely a humbling experience. They bit their tongues frequently. 

  Staying quiet when your teenager is acting like a piece of work is not the only time adults stay quiet though, they have to stay quiet in their families, especially if there is drama, at funerals (especially if there is drama), at work (especially if there is drama), in public when a stranger is doing something idiotic and in front of the young children they are trying hard not to ruin. Staying quiet and biting your tongue seems, to me at least, something that comes with age –the wiseness we acquire as we grow older. Staying quiet is something I have yet to master. 

  Although I have grown a lot since my teenage years, I still feel like I say too much at times. I give people so much of myself, so much of my heart and soul. Maybe that has something to do with me being a writer. My words carry so much of my intellect: my morals, values, love, thoughts and dreams. The best way for me to express myself is by using words, so when I pour out my soul onto a page, whether it be a blog, instant or text message, or paper in a journal, it’s exhausting. Sharing my words depletes my energy level. All this is fine, it’s something I have come to accept as a writer. What irks me is when people don’t respond to any and all forms of communication I mentioned above. “Okay” is not a response I will ever be okay with. You’ve got thoughts in your head, people, say something, say anything. Help the people that say too much feel like you actually care about the things we’re telling you. Maybe you agree, disagree, maybe you think I’m full of shit. Either way, I’d like to know. I want and need to know.

  I detest being the one that says too much, especially since I am a woman. I feel like I am judged a persecuted. I feel like saying too much is akin to having flighty emotions, being unstable, etc. Have you ever read “The Yellow Wallpaper,” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman? (http://www.library.csi.cuny.edu/dept/history/lavender/wallpaper.html) I feel like her. In case you aren’t familiar, she’s a woman thought crazy that isn’t. It’s as simple as that.

  In reality, I care about the people I say too much to, I want them to understand me. Again, this brings me back to the same thought. In order for people to understand me best, I must use words. I’m in a place in life where I am trying to find that perfect balance between not saying enough and saying way too much. I’m in that weird in-between place where I can’t always bite my tongue if an ex-boyfriend brings up a relationship issue from two years past, especially if he doesn’t understand it the way I do. Although, for the sake of this post, I am biting my tongue about certain events that happened tonight that have lead me to write here. See, maybe I am learning? Then again, there are many more posts to come…including, but not limited to, posts about the ex-boyfriend and “ex-boyfriend types.”

  I’m in a place where I have tons of thoughts floating around in my head, a place where those thoughts need an outlet and a place where I feel as though sharing them with the world (or maybe just with this blog) can and will be not only beneficial to myself, but maybe to the rest of the world or just a few of my friends who are nice enough to read my blog! :)

  So, with that, here we are. Welcome to my thoughts.